I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the best time to do it.

I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck.

"Please don't pick up, please don't pick up, please don't pick up." —What I feel when I call anyone, ever, for anything.

I hope the twenty minutes of watching fireworks is worth the 3 hours it took to find decent parking to watch the fireworks

I GET ENOUGH EXERCISE JUST BY PUSHING MY LUCK!

tHAT'S A GOOD ONE, I SAY THAT EVERYDAY WHEN MY DAUGHTER DRAGS ME TO THE GYM.

 

A man who correctly guesses a woman's age may be smart, but he's not very bright. -Lucille Ball

I hate being left out almost as much as I hate being included.

"I don’t fear death, but I sure don’t like those three-footers for par." --Chi Chi Rodriguez

Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine. To idiots.