did u hear about the spinster who could not see too well.   in order to hide her failing eyesight
from her intended, she stuck a pin in  a tree.  the next day, while walking in the forest with him,
she pointed to the tree, some hundred yards distant, and said, isn't that a pin sticking in that
tree.  and as she ran to retrieve it, she tripped over a cow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1st -  i think we should all confess our faults one to another.  i've got a terrible habit of stealing.
2nd - i have a terrible habit of lying.
3rd - when no one is around i get drunk.
4th -  i've got a terrible habit of gossiping and i can hardly wait to get out of here!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. #punny

I would like a lifetime subscription to all delicious foods, please.

that sounds very nice.   the delicious foods.

lol !!!

:-)

a man dropped in to pay a friend an unexpected visit, and was amazed to find him playing chess with a dog.   the man watched in silence for a few minutes, then burst out with, that's the most incredible dog i have ever seen in my life. 
oh, he isn't so smart, was the answer.  i have beaten him three games out of four.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

one out of four Americans is mentally ill.  next time you're in a group of four people, take a good look at the other three.  if they look all right, you're it!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

once a friend ofmine and i agreed it would be helpful for each of us to tell the other all our faults.  
how did it work?
we haven't spoken for five years.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

those are fighting words where i come from.
well, why don't you fight then?
cause i ain't where i come from.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

mrs. brown must be offended at something.   she hasn't been over for several days.   be sure to find out what it is when she does come over, and we'll try it on her again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

a man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog.   this is a talking dog, he said.   and you can have him for five dollars.  the neighbor said, who do you think you are kidding with this talking dog stuff?   there ain't no such animal.  suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes.  please buy me sir, he pleaded.  this man is cruel.
he never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk.  and i used to be the richest trick dog in America.   i performed before kings.  i was in the army and was decorated ten times.
hey said the neighbor.  he can talk.  why do you want to sell him for five dollars?
because, said the seller.   i'm getting tired of all his lies.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

two men were riding on a train for the first time.   they brought bananas for lunch.   just as one of them bit into his banana, the train entered a tunnel.
first man -  did you take a bite of your banana?
second -  no.
first - well, don't.  i did and went blind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

a little boy came home from school crying.  mommy, mommy.  the kids at school called me a three headed monster.  the mother responded sympathetically.   now, there, there, there.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

remember the good old days when the still, small voice within us used to be called conscience instead of a transistor radio?

note:  lol !!!  sorry yall.   this is a joke from an "old"  joke book.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the jokes i posted in post # 18467.696   as well as this joke above are from the book entitled:
World's Greatest Collection of Clean Jokes    by Bob Phillips

World's Greatest Collection of Clean Jokes    by Bob Phillips


A Vic Tanny Graduate was boasting about his strength and went on about it for some time.  A  gardener overheard and made him this offer:  tell you what, i'll bet you $25 i can wheel a load in this wheelbarrow over there to the other side of the street that you can't wheel back.
you're on said mr. motormouth.  what's your load going to be?
get in, said the gardener.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

first reporter - what shall i say about the peroxide blondes who made such a fuss @ the ballgame?
second -  just say the bleachers went wild !!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

3 men were in a boat halfway across a lake.   the first  man suddenly said , i forgot my lunch, got out of the boat and walked to shore on top of the water.   later, the second man said, i forgot my fishing tackle, and also walked across the water to shore.  by this time, the  third man thought to himself, they're not going to  outsmart me.  i forgot my bait can , and he started to walk across the water but he sank.  the first man said to the second, maybe we should have told him where the rocks were. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any. #punny