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    • from my clean joke book....
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  • 5/12/12
An awkward moment is when your Internet is down and you're forced to do something productive with your life.

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  • 5/12/12
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'
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  • 5/12/12
 

 



Edited 5/12/12   by  Paul_Sr
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  • 5/14/12
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"

"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said.

"The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach.

That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
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  • 5/14/12
The golfer had lost his ball and was a little annoyed with his caddy. "Why didn't you watch where it went" he asked.

"Well sir," said the boy, "it don't usually go anywhere, so when you did hit the ball, it sort of caught me by surprise!"




  • 5/14/12
lol !!!

:-)
  • 5/14/12
Robert goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home three hours late. His wife asks him, "What took you so long?"

The guy says, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Charlie hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack."

The guy's wife says, "That's terrible!"

The guy says, "I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie. . ."
  • 5/15/12
This is one of my all-time favorite golf jokes!!!! LOLOLOL
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  • 5/15/12
  • 5/15/12
a man is locked in a room with no way to get out.  inb the room there is a piano, a baseball bat, a saw, and a table.  houw could he get out?

he could take a key from the piano and unlock the door.
he could take the bat and get three strikes.  then he'd be out.
he could take the saaw and cut ehe table in two.  then, by putting the two halves together, he would havbe a "hole" and he could get out that way. 
~~~~~~~~~~~

what gets wetter and wetter as it dries?   
a towel.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`


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  • 5/15/12
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jewish or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
  • 5/15/12
Funny!
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  • 5/15/12
a little girl asked her mother for fifty cents to give to an old lady in the park.

her mother was touched by the child's kindness and gave her the required

sum.  there you are, said the mother.  but tell me, isn't the lady able to work

anymore?  oh yes, came the reply.  she sells candy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

on the way to preschool, the doctor let  his daughter look @ his stethoscope.  his

little daughter picke it up and began playing with it.  this thrilled the father as he

thought perhaps, one day she will follow in my footstteps and become a doctor.

but then he heard her as she spoike into the instrument.  Welcome to McDonalds.

may i take your order?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

a store manager overheard one of his salesmen talking to a customer.  no sire, said

the salesman.  we haven't had any for a while, and it does not look like we'll be getting

any soon.

the manager was horrified and immediately called the salesman over to him.  don't

you ever tell a customer we're out of anything!  now, what did he want?a minister

Rain, answered the salesman.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
a minister got up on Sunday and announced to his congregationm, i have good news and bad news,.

the good news ism we have enough money to pay for our new building program.  the bad news is, it is still

out there in your pockets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

a child was watching his mother delete email messages from her in box.  this reminds me of the

Lord's Prayer the child said.   what do you mean? asked the mother.  oh you know.  the part that

says deliver us from email.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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  • 5/15/12
 




 

Image Detail


  • 5/15/12
cheeseburger eatin' cat.

lol !!

and the boat on the rock?

lol !!  how in the world.....?

:-)
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  • 5/16/12

Petey came home from school with another black eye.  have you been fighting again? his mother asked him.
i'm sorry, mom, he replied.  i told you the next time you lost your temper, you should count to ten. 
i did said peter.  but jimmy's mom told him to only count to five , so he hit me first.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

a little girl asked her motherm, can i go outside and play with the boys?  her mother replied, no you can't play with the boys.  they're too rough.   the little girl thought about it for a few noments and then asked, if i can find a smooth one, can i play with him?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  • 5/16/12


Or not

  • 5/16/12
lol !!

yeah.   i guess boys are just rough.

lol !!!

girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice.

boys are made of snips and snails and puppy dog tails.

but Sr.   i am just now realizing.   lol !!

what are snips?

nursery rhymes!!!

you know.  speaking of nursery rhymes, those brothers grimm,

were just that.   grimm.   they probably struck all kinds of fear

in the hearts of little children during that era.

:-)
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  • 5/16/12
777 Great Clean Jokes by Jennifer Hahn

Burt had a problem with oversleeping and was always late for work.  His boss threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.  So Burt went to h is doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.
Burt slept incredibly well, in facxt, he woke up before the alarm went off.  he had a leisurely breakfast and a pleasant ride to work.   Boss, he said, that pill my doctor prescribled actually worked!
That's great said the boss, but where were you yesterday?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
a veteran of world war II applied for a job at a bank.  the impersonal interviewer continued to ask question AFTER question, scribbling notes and never looking at the veteran. 
most recent postition aske dthe official
supply officer replied the applicant.
duration of employment?
three and a half years.
reason for termination?
the applicant stopped and thought for a moment, then answered, we won!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

an employee went to see his supervisor.  Boss, he said, we're doing some heavy housecleaning @ home tomorrow and my wife asked me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.   we're shorthanded, the boss replied.  i can't give  you the day off.  thank you said the employee.  i knew i could count on you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

the interviewer examined the hjob appliation, then turned to the prospective employee.  i see yu have put ASAP down for the date you are available to start.   however, i see you've written down AMAP for required salary.  i don't believe i'm aware of what that means.   the applicant replied, AS MUCHAS POSSIBLE.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

a politician asked a minister, what is something the government can do to help the church?
well, the minister replied, quit making one dollar bills.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i think i deserve a raise, the man said to his boss.  you know there are three other companies after me. 
is tha right? asked the manager.  what other companies are after you?
the electric company, the phone company, and the gas company.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~``

a young executive was preparing to leave the office late one evening, when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.  this is a very sensitive and important document, said the CEO, and my secretary has gone for the night.  can you get this thing to work for me.   certainly said the young executive eagerlyl.  he turned the macihine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
Excellent!  Thank you!  soid the CEO, as his paper disapearted inside the machine.  i just need one copy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


  • 5/16/12
Four guys were out on the golf course. As one of them was teeing off at the 10th hole, which was next to the highway, they saw a funeral precession go by. Instead of teeing off, the guy removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed.

At this point, the other three said, "You know, the was the most touching thing I've ever seen."

And the guy answers, "Well, I was married to her for 15 years. It was the least I could do!"

a________________________________________________b



A man went in for a Brain transplant operation and was offered a choice of two brains by the surgeon. He could choose either the Architect's brain which would cost him £10,000 or the Politician's which was £100,000.

"Does that mean that the politician's brain is much better than the Architect's?" exclaimed the clearly puzzled man.

"not exactly" replied the surgeon, "the politician's has never been used."